|
Dr. Peggy McHugh's Tools to Counter
Abuse
 | Make a commitment to stay in control and be aware:
 | Consciously choose to live in the moment and not allow
past feelings or future fears/anxieties to impact the present. |
| Accept that when parents lose control with their
children, emotions usually run high for many reasons, many of which have
little to do with the actual behavior in hand, and the
"punishment" rarely fits the "crime." |
| Determine to stay calm, no matter how uncomfortable or
strange this feels. |
| Take your anger seriously: |
| Acknowledge that it's okay at times to feel angry or
negative toward your children) if they've broken the family rules, gone
against your wishes or annoyed you. |
| Believe in your heart that it's never okay to use to
translate these feelings into physical actions or verbal abuse. |
| Resolve never to hit out. |
| Stop whatever you're doing if you feel really angry and
leave the situation. |
| Go into your bedroom if you think you could lose
control, lock the door and scream as loud as you can. If you prefer, lie
on your bed, put a pillow over your head and scream. This will break the
tension you feel. You might even be able to muster up a laugh. |
|
| Don't feel guilty or upset if you burst into tears:
| Allow yourself always to be human. |
| Understand that your tears, like your anger, are
signaling that something needs attention. |
| Go to your bedroom, if you feel like crying, and have a
good howl. You'll feel better after it and more able to deal with the
behavior/event/episode that triggered your tears. |
| Believe that your tears are breaking the tension of the
moment. It's good to cry. It means that pent up emotions are being
released and past memories are coming to the surface and need to be
healed. |
|
| Give up the goal of being a Perfect parent:
| Accept that parenting is not about perfection, it's
about loving well. |
| Know that you can love well and still make mistakes. Be
easy on yourself. |
| Believe that when your child is often the least
lovable, that's when s/he needs love the most. |
| Determine to develop patience. |
| Always be VIGILANT handling babies: |
| Bear in mind that babies cry a lot and no baby has ever
died from crying. |
| Leave the room if your baby won't stop crying and it's
driving you crazy. |
| Call your physician for support if you don't feel
calmer in 10 minutes and you're on your own. Most physicians have
24-hour coverage. |
| You'll find just talking to him/her will help. |
| Don't go back to your baby until you have regained
complete self-control. |
| Refuse to become upset if someone else can console your
baby. It's often hurtful to a mom if she can't get her baby to stop
crying and someone else can. |
| Never take anything your baby does personally. |
|
| Develop an internal sense of what you can handle:
| Prepare in advance to meet those big projects. |
| If you have a deadline, a paper that's due at college
or a presentation to give, arrange for your child(ren) to have a
sleepover so you don't have to scramble the morning of the event. |
| Barter with another working mom to watch your kids the
evening before the event in return for the same favor when she needs
help. |
|
| Give yourself downtime when you come home from work:
| Even if it's only for 20 minutes, it's important to
have a break between the end of your working day and the beginning of
your evening. You'll instantly feel better. |
| If your children clamor for something to eat, give them
a quick snack (even better, have snacks already prepared), then go into
your bedroom, sit down, put your feet up and take a couple of slow, deep
breaths. |
| If your kids are very young, stay in the living room
with them but sit down and close your eyes for at least 10 minutes. Tell
them: "Mommy doesn't feel very well. Just give me 10 minutes." |
| Time a clock for 10 minutes so they can see it or use a
sand dial. They'll be so fascinated watching the sand they'll forget all
about you. |
|
| Make sure laughter is a big part of every day:
| Laughing regularly means you have less time to get
annoyed, upset or angry. |
| Laughter is good for your sanity and the sanity of your
children. |
| Smile at your child(ren) whenever you see them. |
| Make it a family rule that you share at least one belly
laugh with your child(ren) every day. |
|
| Become acquainted with the facts of good
discipline:
| Develop discipline that teaches your child(ren) how to
avoid repeating misbehaviors and what to do instead. |
| Know that the long-range goal of good discipline is to
help a child become a self-disciplined adult. |
| Begin by modeling to your child the type of person you
would like him/her to be. |
| Make a commitment that in your home all discipline is
hands-off and nothing you say or do to your children will involve shame,
humiliation or rejection. |
|
| Seek To Really Know And Delight In Your Child(ren):
|
|
