Single Parenting
Since the beginning of time,
parenting has been both a privilege and a challenge. There are few
things more gratifying than watching a child grow; and there are few
things more difficult than the ups and downs, ins and outs of parenting.
Back in the days of "Leave
it to Beaver," two-parent homes comprised the norm. One parent
worked out of the home while the other worked in the home, and both
shared the responsibilities of keeping the family intact. In the final
decade of the 20th century, single parenting has taken its
place as a norm in American society and single parents are faced with
the rigors of growing a family "alone." See if any of the
following quotes, taken from a single parent population in Dallas,
Texas, sound familiar.
When asked, "What is the
most difficult part of single parenting," participants responded:
"Believing that this is
really happening. I thought my children would be raised in a two-parent
household. I still can’t believe I’m trying to do everything
alone." (female, 42)
"Being civil to their mother
as we try to make decisions ‘together.’ I know my sons need their
mother’s love and their parents cooperation, but I’m angry at her
for the divorce and can’t seem to completely dispel the anger."
(male, 37)
"Balance. Life, work and the
children’s extracurricular activities seem overwhelming to me. I’m
tired by 6 PM but there is still much more to be done. I feel like I am
perpetually exhausted and that I will never ‘catch up.’"
(female, 48)
"Being a parent. My wife
died and I realized that she was the one with the gift of communication,
discipline, order and balance. I was always the family clown. Well, now
I’m really the family clown. I can’t even get a meal on the table at
the right time, much less figure out all of the other aspects of
parenting." (male, 34)
"Consistency in discipline.
My children are teenaged and they go all different directions with all
different personalities and excuses about why they should be allowed to
do whatever they want to do. I am too tired to say ‘no,’ but I think
I’m hurting them by not being consistent." (female, 50)
"Finding time for myself. I
used to play golf, read, enjoy concerts and dinner and dancing. Now
there isn’t any time for anything for me – at least it seems that
way. My friends all laugh and say ‘welcome to parenting,’ but I’m
not thinking this is funny. I don’t know how long I can be
selfless." (male, 38)
"Making the decisions alone.
When my husband was alive, we made all the decisions together. I had
someone to talk to – someone to help me think about the possibilities
and the pitfalls. Now I am the only one I can talk to, and I don’t
think I make great decisions this way." (female, 38)
"I’m very young and I
don’t have any idea what to do. I made the decision to keep my baby
and I’m glad I made that decision, but I have no idea how to raise
him. My parents are both gone and I am thousands of miles from my
hometown. I find myself watching him long after I’ve put him to sleep,
apologizing silently for being such a sorry excuse for a mother."
(female, 19)
In all the single parents
interviewed (some 75, ranging in age from 18-55), I did not encounter
one who thought the job effortless or even "do-able." All felt
tired. All felt overwhelmed. And all were doing their best to live one
day at a time.
Is there help? Are there ways we
can master the art of single parenting? "Master?" – well,
no. But there are certainly ways we can better understand and relate to
our circumstances and our children.
 | Seek support. As much as we
might believe we have to "go it alone" or that we do not
have time to reach out to others in like circumstances, single
parents need support. If you are a member of a church, join a share
group or find a couple who are willing to simply "be
there" for you and help you process your decisions. Find a
share group of single parents. Seek a mentor – perhaps from work
or the neighborhood. Call on family and close friends for support.
Whatever your circumstances, help can be found with a little effort,
and you need the support. One of the biggest errors single parents
make is trying to do it all alone.
|
| As hard as it might seem,
carve out time for yourself "religiously" each week. You
might schedule lunch alone with yourself or get up early and walk or
play a round of golf – whatever your interest. You need time alone
– even though you’re probably arguing right now that there’s
"not enough time" or that your children need whatever
extra reserves you possess. Time alone will give you additional
energy and will keep you fresh about your own life and about the
lives of your children.
|
| Schedule a visit with each
child’s teachers and let that teacher know the specific needs your
child might be facing. Then stay in touch with that teacher so that
you know what is happening in your child’s world.
|
| As hard as it is to stay
consistent, children need consistency. Children need boundaries,
even though you might feel exhausted and incapable of fighting those
battles. The advice is, choose your battles carefully. Not
everything needs to be critical, so choose those things that you
feel are critical to your child’s development and well being and
provide the consistency in those areas.
|
| Carve out time with each
child. Your children need some "alone" time with you –
even if it’s the last half-hour before bed for the oldest child or
a few moments in the car on the way to school. Talk, ask questions,
listen, try to stay in touch with your child.
|
| Be honest with your child
about where you are. Children sense when something is
"wrong" and do better when you verbalize rather than leave
them to guess. You don’t have to tell them all of the details or
provide more information than they can grasp, but they do need you
to "keep them posted" on your life. Even the teenagers who
seem completely disinterested? Yes, even the teenagers. Talk
candidly but leave them with no requirement to respond. Children do
care, and they do feel insecure when they sense something is amiss
but can’t pinpoint the source of the problem. Children are best
served through our attempts at honesty rather than our compulsion to
hide behind a mask of "everything’s all right."
|
| Do not use the children as a
battle ground or a peace banner between you and the other parent. It
is difficult to accept divorce. It is difficult not to feel angry
with the other parent for their role or lack thereof in the family
dynamics. But try not to use your children to fight your battles or
send your messages.
|
| Include the children in the
balancing out of the family’s demands. Let them know what works
and what doesn’t for you and seek their input as you strive to
find balance between all the activities that beg our participation.
You do not have to hold onto balance alone – in fact, the family
is best served when seen as a unit.  |
