In response to questions from parents about the best way to handle the news regarding the Starr report, we asked a number of child and family therapists from around the country to share their thoughts.  If you'd like to discuss this further with any of the therapists, please e-mail them at the address below.

Although the media attention around our President's affair and attempted cover-up are truly troubling for all of us, this actually may provide parents with an opportunity to talk to their children about a multitude of topics. Depending on the age(s) of your child or children you might talk about any of the following topics: "right and wrong"; "shame and fear"; "power and responsibility" et. Its important to take the lead from your child, what questions do they have? Although President Clinton may be a very visible figure in a child's eyes, their parents actions are far more influential. Parents lead by example first and through their words second. It's very important to get away from "Do as I say not as I do!"

Peter Chechele, M.A., MFCC
San Francisco, CA

Although this is a very painful time in our American Story, I believe there are some wonderful lessons to be learned by all of us as we reconnect with our children.It is an opportunity to honestly:reinforce one's own family values and belief system -different strokes for different folks..."in our family, this is how we do things"   -each of us is on our own journey and is accountable for our actions and behavior   "let's look at how our individual behavior impacts so many others...ripple effect on pond" -what matters?  Opportunity to do value clarification; How you think of yourself is reflected in everything you do.  "write down what matters to you, have a family meeting discuss and reinforce and clarify how & why OUR family looks at things" 

What does it mean to be human?  What and how do we forgive people for transgressions? What are the  consequenses of poor choices?  What is ripple effect because of lack of thoughtful behavior?  It is an opportunity to see how we are all connected to history and the news as it occurs.

    Once again, "this is how OUR family chooses to do things, we do not have to be like everyone else, we can choose the kind of ripple effect we want to have in the future, this is one of the many gifts of living in America - Each of us gets to reap what we sow. What kind of gardener are you?  How do you see yourself and how  do you want to be seen in this life-time? We are so blessed because we have the ability, capacity, potential to make choices all through life.How do you choose...hourly...daily...weekly...monthly...yearly...etc ??  Write it down and talk about it. Loving communication and action takes vigilence and focus.  We have a whole life-time to practice and get better at it. 

Best Wishes,

Karen A. Kuckreja, MFCC,  Bakersfield, CA

kkuckrej@lightspeed.net 

The events preceding and following the release of the Starr report, have caused each of us to think more deeply about issues such as honesty, integrity, trust, faithfulness in relationships and marriage, responsibility, sexuality, faith and spirituality. What do we expect of our elected officials? Are they role models? Should we expect them to be modeling these values to us and our children?

We see the confusion and questioning in our children's eyes and struggle to find words to explain sexual practices that we, as adults, often find difficult to discuss. How much should we say? What should we explain? What, if anything, is better left unsaid? How do we explain betrayal of trust? How much do our children already know, and how much do they REALLY understand?

None of these are easy questions, and there are no easy answers to them. As I have struggled with parents about ways to answer these questions for themselves and the children we love, I have found the following questions to be extremely helpful in sorting it out. Children often find it much easier to talk about someone else's feelings.... "How do you think Chelsea [Clinton's daughter] feels about all of this?" usually brings an outpouring of their concerns and I have a better sense of how to proceed. Who has been hurt by this and how? "What kind of person do you want to be?" What will you have to do now to be that kind of person? What can you do when you make a mistake?

Asking the question.... waiting.... really listening to their answer, hearing their concerns and feelings, perhaps sharing your own feelings, allowing a dialogue to begin....

Sometimes, struggling together with the questions is better than having all the answers.

Judy Gifford, Director
FindingStone Counseling Center